This Spartan came home WITH her shield!

(and a lot of mud!)

The purpose of the blog was to mark the journey with Panic & Anxiety to the Spartan and Tough Mudder events. 1 challenge is complete; I competed in and completed the Spartan Race in Tuxedo NY.

I did have pre-race jitters... hard core... it was the waiting that was killing me. Once I was at the starting line I was honed in on the objective of going up an extremely steep hill for an extremely long distance not knowing what was to come after that.

I had to climb, crawl, and strategically maneuver my way through rocks and boulders on the side of a ski resort; I saw spiders i never knew existed! OH and I'm sure poison ivy is just a short way away  from showing it's ugly wrath as well.

I had to crawl through a make-shift mine which had brush, bugs, reptiles, cramped space, and barbed wire just above my head for about 100 feet... with no way out.. You had no choice but to go forward. I got stuck on barbed wire 1/4 of the way through, hind-sight my heart flutters, but at the time i was determined to get through that obstacle, and I did and made friends with a frog too!

I had to climb through and over boulders with a car tire, climb a 20 foot high net and come back down, climb walls, crawl under walls, pull cinder-blocks attached to a rope the height of a 2-story house, cross monkey bars ( I fell 2 bars from the end because my shoulder gave out, and they wanted me to do 30 burpees but I told them to go scratch and went back to the bars and did 4 more for good measure).

I had to carry an orange Home Depot bucket 3/4 full of gravel up a hill for .25 a mile, then back down dump my gravel on TOP of the pile and bring back my bucket. At this point I was exhausted, I was in near tears because I was so mad because I wanted to be done! So I chucked the bucket on top of the gravel pile, flipped it over and off (yes, I gave an inanimate object the double bird) and tossed it to the pile of other buckets and flipped it off again. THEN I had to pull a boulder on skis up-hill and around a small course which ended on hot coals, then back uphill and hike over and through boulders AGAIN. This was where I was on E. I started to get light-headed, and had to stop for a break. 

Back down the hill to a soap soaked wall that I had to climb over. I was smart and used my upper body and pulled myself up with the ropes... Flipping off the bottle of soap as I was going to the next obstacle... totally owned that one!

I fell 1/2 way across the Spiderman wall and had to do 30 burpees... thank goodness that I do those a lot in bootcamp! I totally failed on the spear throw and had to do another 30 burpees. I won't be doing burpees for a while needless-to-say!

I had to crawl through cold mud on my belly under barbed wire going uphill for the length of a football field. Admittedly, the mud crawl was the best part of the event. Though gross as heck seeing worms, grubs, ants, spiders, the blood of other Spartans, and getting cut up by rocks and other sharp objects, the camaraderie with the other Spartans through this obstacle was beyond reproach. My hair and shirt got stuck on barbs on the last string; everyone stopped so as not to tug further or spring it back to the Spartans coming up the rear while 2 other Spartans untangled me from the mess. Then for a long boulder hike before a steep downhill trek full of loose rock and dirt.

That ended us up at the ice crawl; yes, the name implies the same as the mud crawl, but it was downhill for about 50 feet under barbed wire and over ice cubes... TONS of ice cubes... it was cold... very cold... but at the bottom of the hill from that we had to jump through a much appreciated firewall! It ended with the gladiators at the end that I, and my awesome sense of humor, made them and the spectators laugh! lol

When I arrived at my first gladiator (that wanted to pummel me with these huge padded paddles) I stopped short, looked him in the eye and said like a mouse "really? Do i have to? Can i just get into the fetal position?" lol so we bumped to make it look good. The next guy was busy with someone else, but the very last guy wanted to kick my butt so as I ran really fast passed him shouting "please, please, please don't hit me!" everyone erupted in laughter!

Then i got my banana, water, free beer and shower lol...

I'm sure I missed an obstacle here or there, but those are the ones that I remember.

Minus the scraped up elbows and knees, twisted ankle, bruises, and that it took me 3 hours to go 3 miles... it was a blast!!!

I have a new found appreciation and utmost respect for the men and women of our armed forces. While i had 3+ miles of torture, they do this in foreign countries carrying tons of gear in not-so-forgiving clothing and conditions. I was able to carry a camelbak (backpack filled with water) and wear anti-skid socks so i didn't get blisters, and wear gloves to protect my little hands from blisters, in order to get me through this. I was able to quit if i wanted and go home. They get to have some of those things, but I was able to shower after my event, they usually have to stay all yucky for days on end, and they can't just say "F this" and go home whenever they want.  They have to do it on the side of a mountain, in a desert or jungle with heavy equipment, sometimes being shot at, and even worse- not knowing where the enemy is. Not to mention the spiders!

If they are lucky though, they will find a frog to hang with.

I hope to post pictures or video in the future so stay tuned!

It's 2-Fold

Sorry I've been nearly non-existent lately. I have just been busy with clients and bootcamps, and haven't had time to blog.

The good news is.. I'm completely off of my medications. I'm not going to say it's been easy because it hasn't been. The first 2 days completely off were atrocious: headaches almost as bad as migraines, a few hard-core panic attacks..

Let's talk about that there panic attack for a moment, shall we? It was day 2, and i was REALLY OFF that day. VERY tired, cranky, headaches.. it was just awful! I was on my way to a client and 1/2 way there it hit me like a wrecking ball to the head... Sheer and utter panic. I get to my client's house.. no one is there.. i really needed to use the bathroom.. I know gross, but if you suffer from panic or anxiety disorders you most likely experience the same thing i do. Then MORE panic set in because i HAD to go and i didn't want to defecate myself. I called my husband to at least provide a distraction, and it worked for a few moments, then the wave came even harder. The client comes home and i explain to him what is going on and that i will have to call my husband to pick me up because I'm just sick.. He understood completely, thankfully, and eventually hubby arrived to come get me.. i left my car there and went home and went to bed.

Since then i have had 3 other attacks. One was the following week, on a Saturday then again the next Monday. I've had increased anxiety since then when going to this client. I speculate that it is just my brain associating that client and house with panic. Every day that i go there it's been getting better and better. I've found that chewing gum and singing my favorite Duran Duran tunes helps because I'm breathing a certain way. OH yeah.. forgot to mention. I noticed that when my anxiety starts i immediately check my breathing and sure enough I'm either holding my breath or shallow breathing. So that may even be the trigger to most of my attacks.. that I'm on auto-pilot when it comes to my breathing. it's just very strange.

It's been 3 full days now and i haven't had a single episode of either!

What i have been doing in addition to being consciously aware:
1. Doc put me on Sam-e, now i am not in any way/shape/form suggesting you take this holistic approach because it's not for everyone. This supplement acts like serotonin and stabilizes mood. Normally it's suggested for depression, but because the Lexapro is considered an anti-depressant it should have the same effect. The dangers associated with Sam-e are why i recommend talking to your doctor about it first, as it CAN make things worse as noted on it's side-effect/warnings all over the Internet. It takes 7-10 days to take too.. so it's not like popping vitamin-C and you feel better, it needs to build up in the system.

I'm not sure if it's the Sam-e that has been helping, or me trying to be aware and unafraid of my illness, but either way it's working.

2. EXERCISING! I am a personal trainer, and I own my own fitness business, and i host bootcamps M-F in my area. If you take a gander on the Internet and watch videos of some of the bootcamps out there you will notice instructors just shouting and motivating and counting time/reps. Not THIS instructor!! I WORK OUT WITH MY CAMPERS!
My theory is 3 sided:
1. If I have to wake up at 5am, I'm going to make the most out of it!
2. I'm a constant mirror of form, they can look at me and see how my body is positioned and if i notice them with bad form i can correct them and they can visually see me doing the workout properly.
3. How can i tell how effective the workouts are if i don't do them myself?!

It's been 3 weeks and not only do i feel the difference in my posture, strength, and physical appearance, I'm noticing great improvement in my cardiovascular endurance, and tolerance.. I think i might be ready for Insanity again! lol (I'll do it between cycles 1 & 2, when i have a week off). The Spartan Sprint Race is 2 weeks from tomorrow.. I feel pretty confident that I'm ready, or at least i will be ready... oh my heart just fluttered lol.. pre-race jitters lol

I find that getting that 0530 workout in gives me SO much more time and energy to get everything else done too. My campers mentioned the same thing going into week 2 "they have more energy throughout the day".

I HIGHLY recommend working out as a means to deal with anxiety disorder. I had another blog on wordpress last year and had tons of articles regarding that topic, but for some lame reason they suspended my account.. whatever.. looking to the future now and I've always been happier at Blogger anyway.

How it came about..

Changes are abound!
The Tough Mudder and The Spartan Sprint on are the agenda for 2011.
My brother took it upon himself to register himself and I in the Tough Mudder in November, so I took it upon myself to register him and I in the Spartan Sprint in June.
I have anxiety and panic disorder and my "family" goal this year is wean off of my medications so my DH and I can start trying for a family.
These 2 events are going to test my disorder to it's max, and by the time they arrive I will be completely off of my medications.
This is my physical and mental journey in becoming a Spartan and a Mudder.
If anything, I hope I can inspire someone else to try and escape the crutch of this debilitating disease.

 
Today I posted this on my coaching group on facebook:

Re-starting ChaLean Extreme today. After many talks with Coach Susan, i think i am going to train for a Tough Mudder for 2012. I saw that they have a training regimen and it looks fabulous! So have to get started! My biggest weakness is endurance. It never used to be that way, when i was a kid and i would swim/train at “the Y”, i used to be able to swim underwater about 3/4 the length of an Olympic size pool over and over. My trainers used to be amazed at my underwater aquatic abilities lol. Now I’m lucky if i could run a 1/4 mile without wanting to keel over. So train i must!

That post started a VERY quick whirlwind with my brother and I, and HE decided to sign us up for the Tough Mudder in November.

I went to their website and looked at the obstacle course descriptions and I about had a panic attack.

Crawling through tubes, running through electrically charged fences, running through fire..and those are just to name a few.

I became light-headed, heart started racing, and the sweats started. Panic set in.

I decided to get in contact with MY coach, and asked his advice because he was having a hard time with nerves coming into a major event himself. His advice was basic and to the point. Don’t worry about time, just focus on surviving to the end, and train.

As basic as that was, it was very effective.

I already had planned to start a workout program tonight, (as i mentioned above), but now I’m going to increase the intensity of it all. Not only do I have to work on strength; I also have to work on endurance as well. I know Insanity™ is one of the most intense endurance training programs in the video market. It’s a completely mental program that pushes your limits, and I’m REALLY going to need that. I am also going to need extreme strength training, and as much as I LOVE ChaLean I may need something more intense, but I am going to stick with that until I can find a proper substitute.

When Panic Attacks II

As most of my followers know, i suffer(ed) from panic/anxiety attacks.

I haven't had an attack since March/April 2009.

Well, that changed Thursday night.

My FH and i had an appointment with the Reverend, and when we were done i headed home. During my commute home i hit a massive traffic jam on the Parkway. I didn't move for 10 minutes. I had no clue what was going on at the moment i just knew we weren't moving for whatever reason. This type of traffic is not typical on this highway at this time of night (about 9:30pm).

That jam caused me to have a massive panic attack. I haven't had an attack this severe in traffic in an extremely long time. So i called FH just to try and keep my mind off of the attack. To no avail. I pushed my car through stopped vehicles to get to the shoulder in case i passed out. Once on the shoulder i was able to gain some composure and proceded back in line that started to slowly creep towards the toll plaza about a mile from where i was.

I decided that once i finally got passed the toll plaza i would just hit the first exit and make a u-turn and head towards the turnpike. This would have taken me way out of my way but heck.. i needed to get out of my current situation being as the attack was growing increasingly stronger.

After the toll plaza it became apparent what was causing the jam.. Construction. They put 12 lanes into 1 immediately after the toll plaza. So i did the only thing i could do, make an illegal move. I went behind the cones and proceeded to the first exit. The worst that could happen was i got pulled over to which would have been perfect so i would at least be with someone that could get me to a hospital.

No cop, no ticket, i made the exit and headed towards the turnpike. Until, i missed the exit.. That missed exit led to a series of detours and closed exit/on ramps and more and more anxiety.

I was lost.

I made it onto a highway that i had no idea the number, what direction i was going in and what to do next. Eventually i found myself stopped in the middle of the white stripes looking at signs for Route 80 West and 80 East. East would take me to the turnpike and new york, and West would take me to 287 and Pennsylvania.

Because of my state of mind i panicked even more. I lost control. I lost my bearings. I called my FH. Much to his frustration he had no idea where i was, and he couldn't help me. Then my mind found a bearing and i remembered i had my GPS in the glove box. After it finally booted up it told me where i was, and FH told me what options i had. I took the West option, only because i felt safer getting lost on 80 going towards 287 then New York.

The GPS instructed me accordingly, which put me in REALLY bad ghetto areas. Sorry, but I'm petrified of those areas. Especially since one of his family members works in the one town i had to travel through and i hear the stories.. I was so scared i wanted to vomit. Seeing drug deals go down on the corners as i passed, not a cop in sight. The only time i have go through this town alone and scared and the only time i can't find a cop to help me out of this place.

I was at the mercy of the GPS. It doesn't know the difference between safe and not safe.
Then the scenario of getting pulled over because I'm a little white girl far from where my car is registered in a KNOWN drug zone.. OMG it's an episode of COPS waiting to happen. lol i don't know if i would be relieved or even worse if i got pulled over!

Eventually i saw a high rise i recognized. Not that i knew how to get to FH's from here, i just knew i was closer to his house. I called him and while on the phone i made it to an intersection that the diner is that he and i go to on the weekends before church.

Relief came upon me, but so did the shakes. The adrenaline was still pumping and it had no where to go, so i started trembling. It's very hard to drive a manual transmission when your legs are uncontrollably shaking, but i managed.

It took me 1.5 hours to go nowhere but back to his house. I had nothing there, my glasses where at my house, i had no contact solution, nothing. So he drove me to the store at 11pm at night to get a few things i needed to get me through the evening.

Now i don't know if it was the panic attack, or if i ate something bad or if i caught a bug. But from 2:30am on Friday morning (to even now) i was sick and had to call out of work.. regrettably. I'm trying to save all my time for the wedding and honeymoon.

This event has messed my head up again. I thought i was out of the woods with these damn things, but Thursday night it became very apparent that i am not. It's very depressing, and discouraging.

What I've Learned

After i take a trip somewhere i manage to learn new things, either by someone directly teaching me or i find something to ponder and then "Google It" when i return home.

My last trip to Aruba in 2007 proved a learning experience as well. I learned about the Ocean's current at the Equator. Google it for yourselves and see what a fascinating tidbit that is! I also learned other things, but not nearly as important. My Trip to Aruba this passed week was no different.

If anyone really knows me, they know i want to swim with the dolphins. I know of a place near Aruba that offers this excursion. It's in Curacao, the "C" in the "ABC" islands known as Aruba, Bonair, Curacao. I learned that Curacao is not a "safe" island to visit, unlike it's neighbor Aruba. Recently, someone was killed there, i have yet to Google it. I have also learned that someone was attacked by a dolphin there recently. I was taught that dolphins over the age of 5-6 become extremely aggressive, not like their childlike and younger counterparts. Always good information to have when deciding on a dolphin swim, be it there or some where else in the world.

I also learned, that i can no longer fly. My fear of "whatever" is now crippling. My flight out of NJ was, for the most part, bearable. I didn't feel the panic until about 30 minutes prior to boarding. I tried to go it without a pill, but i couldn't, and that's OK. However, the flight home almost didn't happen for me at all. I woke up OK, but at breakfast is when it started. Sheer panic set in. of what? i have no idea, and i had absolutely no control, and no idea how to stop it. I had only 2.5 pills left, and almost 12 hours before landing back home; clearly not enough to get me home. After we returned back to our room to await our bus back to the airport, i was insane. Literally.. My body temp rose so high i was shaking, i couldn't get cold enough. i couldn't eat, i could barely drink water. I was freaking out. Now my instinct to protect myself kicked in. I had Kyle contact the desk for check-out times, travel times to the airport by taxi, and what the latest possible arrival time to check-in at the airport was allowable before we were denied entry to our plane.

I did the math in my head about my meds to try and spread it out over a time frame. Knowing when my worst absolute reaction would be during the flight, but most importantly, i had to get to the airport and on the plane.. fucking terrorists! had it not been for them i would be able to board in a last minute dash.. now i have to be there no later than 2 hours prior. That's the hard part... WAITING. So i took the 1/2 a pill... i had to... i had to calm myself down. It worked. i was able to rest and drink water and take nibbles of my bagel while i waited for the bell hop to retrieve our bags at 11:45am. I took another 1/2 a pill when the bell hop arrived as it takes about 15-20 minutes to kick in.

We skipped the free bus transfer (scheduled for 11:15am) and opted for a taxi that is a direct shot. 15 minutes got us to the airport. Once there, thankfully they had the AC cranking at the check-in area, as there were TONS of people and it was loud and busy and no one was moving.

After Continental check-in you wait in a line "outside" to check-in with customs. God was on my side this day because he brought the clouds that we never saw while we where there all week. It brought the air temp down and cooled the trade winds as well. I took a washcloth from the hotel and used the last of the water i had to soak it to pat myself with to keep me cooler. Though the panic is no longer evident because of the meds, i still felt so hot i wanted to pass out.

We got through customs check #1, went through security check #1, US Customs check and Homeland security check, and headed to the gate area. There is a bar there now! PERFECT! a little bud light with those pills and I'll be OK to at least get through the boarding process which i was fortunate enough to have an understand Continental rep at the gate and explained my problem and was given permission to board absolutely LAST, before they closed the doors. When boarding calls started i took my last 1/2 a pill, this would get me through to 1/2 way through the flight.

Now anyone that deals with Newark airport fully understands that you NEVER EVER land on time. EVVVVVEEEERRRRR. We took off 10 minutes after scheduled take off due to refueling, the pilot confirmed our 16 minute earlier landing than scheduled YAY!.. only to be thwarted the last 20 mintues of scheduled flight time. APPARENTLY, there was a problem at Newark airport that day and one of the runways is closed. OK now, lets just look at that statement from a paranoid person's perspective: Problem, runway, closed, we are in a holding pattern for possibly 15-20 minutes = HOLY SHIT! I don't have enough meds to get me through this. Now i took my last full pill when my TV monitor said we had 2 hours left in flight. I couldn't have scheduled that more perfectly. This little screw up just set me back 6 hours.. mentally. I tried to find something to watch on TV, and did, until they took that from me too. Why? because we were cleared to land! YAY!!
NO I DON'T THINK SO!
Immediately after clearance they retracted it and sent us into holding pattern #2. Which, comfortingly enough was over Kyle's house! lol now i know why there are always so many damn planes flying over! they are in a holding pattern! lol see i learned something new yet again! The jerk captain told us he would tell us when when were released to land but the jerk never did.. I call him a jerk because #1 he lied, #2 when you see the monitor tell you your altitude and it's much much lower than you should be you freak.. well at least i do because i have an issue apparently, but i managed to keep it together just long enough to realize that we were LANDING. I actually cried when all 3 where on the ground. I didn't cry because i was upset. I cried because i was so exhausted from feeling the way i was for so long that it was now just a short 15 minutes away from ending.

That it did, once the steward opened the door i felt cold (not because of the outside temps either, though very much welcomed), the shakes stopped, the feeling of pure terror ceased. I was home safe and sound and the plane made it, and i didn't have to make them land the plane or anything like that. It was over.

During this entire ordeal, the one person i felt bad for was Kyle. He didn't know how to help me. That has to be the most scariest and annoying thing. When you can't help someone that needs it. It's in his natural make-up to help others, He's been an EMT forEVER, he's also a LEO. He was powerless, as was I because i couldn't tell him how to help me, I don't even know how to help me.

During this last flight i learned that my attacks with flying have become almost uncontrollable. Which going into planning a wedding and a honeymoon is upsetting. Not for me, but for Kyle. I don't want to deprive him of a great honeymoon because i have an overwhelming terror of flying. As i type this my heart is palping and my blood pressure is up just recanting the entire experience. The even more troublesome part of the ordeal is the withdrawal from the medication.

There has to be a Dr. out there that can get me over this. I've tried with my shrink, and as awesome as he is he still cannot help. I don't want to be confined to this God-forsaken country for the rest of my life because i can't take a 4 hour flight to the Caribbean, and i don't want to deprive Kyle of a great honeymoon. He works too hard, and enjoys Aruba too much to tell him he cannot go because his bride-to-be is paranoid to fly for absolutely no reason. It's bad enough we don't go to the city with friends because i can't take trains or buses and crowded and loud places. There has to be something out there to stop this madness!

When Panic Attacks

What is it that causes this crazy event to literally paralyze people?

I suffered from MASSIVE panic attacks starting from just before I separated from my EH back in 2003 to about when i quit smoking/went off my meds back 9 months ago.. Or so i thought.

Yesterday, Kyle, myself and his family went to NYC for the annual day in the city romp. I did great on the ferry (which i usually have an issue with because of the motion when they dock), but that's about where it ended. Outside of Pier 79 they run free buses to various points in the city. The first bus we got on was packed. Kyle and i found an open seat in the back and the rest of the people stood in the isles. Thankfully we were informed we were on the wrong bus because an anxiety attack started and i literally pushed myself off of the bus. Once out i was fine.

The second bus (the correct bus) was empty minus a few people. Kyle and i sat in the 2nd row. We waited for about 15 minutes or so until the next ferry emptied out and well.. the rest of the people got on our bus too.. Standing room only. It was getting hot in the bus, someone kept whistling the same damn thing over and over, the lady behind me was yapping away on her cell phone and that was it for me! I begged Kyle if we can get off of the bus and just meet everyone at our destination and he was defiant and told me no. So I pushed myself out of my seat, through the people in the isle and begged the driver if i could stand on the staircase by the door. He obviously obliged me because had he not you would have heard about it on the news lol. I was fine after that.

Until the ride home.. and i REALLY feel bad for Kyle and his family that they had to put up with me for this one.. and this is why i beg Kyle to take a separate car when we do things like this, but he never does so i and everyone else suffers.. 5 of us were crammed into a Caddy CTS. Beautiful car, but certainly not made to cart 5 people in winter coats with one anxiety ridden person (me). Kyle was singing a song on the radio (he was drunk lol so it was just at a tone that set my next attack off), it was getting warmer in the car, and we were at a road block not going anywhere. Yeah.. that was it for me.. i yelled at Kyle to STFU, and asked his father to turn the heat off and his brother was kind enough to roll the window down until we got moving again. Once we got on the highway i was fine, but standing idle made me freak out.

Why does this happen? I just don't understand it. Back when i was smoking i would have an attack after i smoked a cigarette. It was clearly evident that the nicotine would start those attacks so i quit.. The attacks, for the most part, decreased to almost nill. Until about 3 weeks after i quit i was driving to work from Kyle's house and i had an attack on the highway while driving.. I had to pull into the conveniently placed rest area for about 15 minutes to calm down.

Once i arrived at work and logged into the PC while i ate my breakfast before my start time, i ran across an article on one of the major e-mail hosting sites about Ambien CR and panic attacks.. I read the article and decided to give it a go on quitting that too. Why not, i was already off of the Xanax (yeah don't bother ever taking that stuff.. that's a major narcotic and should be taken off the market)

Quitting Ambien CR is a feat not to be taken lightly. The first night without it and you just don't sleep at all. The next day you are about wiped, but don't sleep because then you'll never be tired enough to sleep later on. The 2nd night all your dreams are VIVID, for anyone that has had a VIVID dream before you know how much they suck. By the 4th night you are about good to go, but for me it wasn't until almost a week after i quit the Ambien that i slept 5 hours straight, and the rest is history.

I haven't had an attack since i quit the Ambien, so it was much to my chagrin that i had a minimum of 3 yesterday and a few anxiety attacks that i managed to hide from everyone else.
Why? Why are these attacks happening and what is causing them? It's obvious from the locations of these attacks that it's crowded cramped places, but why? i was sitting there minding my own watching the people on the sidewalks while the bus was slowly making it's way to our destination when these attacks happened. Because of the progress i had made in not having ANY attacks since i quit the Ambien CR i thought all of that was behind me, but apparently it's not.

Today, I'm not feeling very well. I'm shaky and i feel as though i can have an attack at any time. My heart rate is definitely more elevated than normal, and it's heavier. Yesterday's romp in the city really didn't do me much good even though i did enjoy myself in between episodes.

So i think next year i will sit out our yearly romp in the city and just let his family enjoy it without my panicked drama. It's very embarrassing.