When Panic Attacks II

As most of my followers know, i suffer(ed) from panic/anxiety attacks.

I haven't had an attack since March/April 2009.

Well, that changed Thursday night.

My FH and i had an appointment with the Reverend, and when we were done i headed home. During my commute home i hit a massive traffic jam on the Parkway. I didn't move for 10 minutes. I had no clue what was going on at the moment i just knew we weren't moving for whatever reason. This type of traffic is not typical on this highway at this time of night (about 9:30pm).

That jam caused me to have a massive panic attack. I haven't had an attack this severe in traffic in an extremely long time. So i called FH just to try and keep my mind off of the attack. To no avail. I pushed my car through stopped vehicles to get to the shoulder in case i passed out. Once on the shoulder i was able to gain some composure and proceded back in line that started to slowly creep towards the toll plaza about a mile from where i was.

I decided that once i finally got passed the toll plaza i would just hit the first exit and make a u-turn and head towards the turnpike. This would have taken me way out of my way but heck.. i needed to get out of my current situation being as the attack was growing increasingly stronger.

After the toll plaza it became apparent what was causing the jam.. Construction. They put 12 lanes into 1 immediately after the toll plaza. So i did the only thing i could do, make an illegal move. I went behind the cones and proceeded to the first exit. The worst that could happen was i got pulled over to which would have been perfect so i would at least be with someone that could get me to a hospital.

No cop, no ticket, i made the exit and headed towards the turnpike. Until, i missed the exit.. That missed exit led to a series of detours and closed exit/on ramps and more and more anxiety.

I was lost.

I made it onto a highway that i had no idea the number, what direction i was going in and what to do next. Eventually i found myself stopped in the middle of the white stripes looking at signs for Route 80 West and 80 East. East would take me to the turnpike and new york, and West would take me to 287 and Pennsylvania.

Because of my state of mind i panicked even more. I lost control. I lost my bearings. I called my FH. Much to his frustration he had no idea where i was, and he couldn't help me. Then my mind found a bearing and i remembered i had my GPS in the glove box. After it finally booted up it told me where i was, and FH told me what options i had. I took the West option, only because i felt safer getting lost on 80 going towards 287 then New York.

The GPS instructed me accordingly, which put me in REALLY bad ghetto areas. Sorry, but I'm petrified of those areas. Especially since one of his family members works in the one town i had to travel through and i hear the stories.. I was so scared i wanted to vomit. Seeing drug deals go down on the corners as i passed, not a cop in sight. The only time i have go through this town alone and scared and the only time i can't find a cop to help me out of this place.

I was at the mercy of the GPS. It doesn't know the difference between safe and not safe.
Then the scenario of getting pulled over because I'm a little white girl far from where my car is registered in a KNOWN drug zone.. OMG it's an episode of COPS waiting to happen. lol i don't know if i would be relieved or even worse if i got pulled over!

Eventually i saw a high rise i recognized. Not that i knew how to get to FH's from here, i just knew i was closer to his house. I called him and while on the phone i made it to an intersection that the diner is that he and i go to on the weekends before church.

Relief came upon me, but so did the shakes. The adrenaline was still pumping and it had no where to go, so i started trembling. It's very hard to drive a manual transmission when your legs are uncontrollably shaking, but i managed.

It took me 1.5 hours to go nowhere but back to his house. I had nothing there, my glasses where at my house, i had no contact solution, nothing. So he drove me to the store at 11pm at night to get a few things i needed to get me through the evening.

Now i don't know if it was the panic attack, or if i ate something bad or if i caught a bug. But from 2:30am on Friday morning (to even now) i was sick and had to call out of work.. regrettably. I'm trying to save all my time for the wedding and honeymoon.

This event has messed my head up again. I thought i was out of the woods with these damn things, but Thursday night it became very apparent that i am not. It's very depressing, and discouraging.