When Panic Attacks

What is it that causes this crazy event to literally paralyze people?

I suffered from MASSIVE panic attacks starting from just before I separated from my EH back in 2003 to about when i quit smoking/went off my meds back 9 months ago.. Or so i thought.

Yesterday, Kyle, myself and his family went to NYC for the annual day in the city romp. I did great on the ferry (which i usually have an issue with because of the motion when they dock), but that's about where it ended. Outside of Pier 79 they run free buses to various points in the city. The first bus we got on was packed. Kyle and i found an open seat in the back and the rest of the people stood in the isles. Thankfully we were informed we were on the wrong bus because an anxiety attack started and i literally pushed myself off of the bus. Once out i was fine.

The second bus (the correct bus) was empty minus a few people. Kyle and i sat in the 2nd row. We waited for about 15 minutes or so until the next ferry emptied out and well.. the rest of the people got on our bus too.. Standing room only. It was getting hot in the bus, someone kept whistling the same damn thing over and over, the lady behind me was yapping away on her cell phone and that was it for me! I begged Kyle if we can get off of the bus and just meet everyone at our destination and he was defiant and told me no. So I pushed myself out of my seat, through the people in the isle and begged the driver if i could stand on the staircase by the door. He obviously obliged me because had he not you would have heard about it on the news lol. I was fine after that.

Until the ride home.. and i REALLY feel bad for Kyle and his family that they had to put up with me for this one.. and this is why i beg Kyle to take a separate car when we do things like this, but he never does so i and everyone else suffers.. 5 of us were crammed into a Caddy CTS. Beautiful car, but certainly not made to cart 5 people in winter coats with one anxiety ridden person (me). Kyle was singing a song on the radio (he was drunk lol so it was just at a tone that set my next attack off), it was getting warmer in the car, and we were at a road block not going anywhere. Yeah.. that was it for me.. i yelled at Kyle to STFU, and asked his father to turn the heat off and his brother was kind enough to roll the window down until we got moving again. Once we got on the highway i was fine, but standing idle made me freak out.

Why does this happen? I just don't understand it. Back when i was smoking i would have an attack after i smoked a cigarette. It was clearly evident that the nicotine would start those attacks so i quit.. The attacks, for the most part, decreased to almost nill. Until about 3 weeks after i quit i was driving to work from Kyle's house and i had an attack on the highway while driving.. I had to pull into the conveniently placed rest area for about 15 minutes to calm down.

Once i arrived at work and logged into the PC while i ate my breakfast before my start time, i ran across an article on one of the major e-mail hosting sites about Ambien CR and panic attacks.. I read the article and decided to give it a go on quitting that too. Why not, i was already off of the Xanax (yeah don't bother ever taking that stuff.. that's a major narcotic and should be taken off the market)

Quitting Ambien CR is a feat not to be taken lightly. The first night without it and you just don't sleep at all. The next day you are about wiped, but don't sleep because then you'll never be tired enough to sleep later on. The 2nd night all your dreams are VIVID, for anyone that has had a VIVID dream before you know how much they suck. By the 4th night you are about good to go, but for me it wasn't until almost a week after i quit the Ambien that i slept 5 hours straight, and the rest is history.

I haven't had an attack since i quit the Ambien, so it was much to my chagrin that i had a minimum of 3 yesterday and a few anxiety attacks that i managed to hide from everyone else.
Why? Why are these attacks happening and what is causing them? It's obvious from the locations of these attacks that it's crowded cramped places, but why? i was sitting there minding my own watching the people on the sidewalks while the bus was slowly making it's way to our destination when these attacks happened. Because of the progress i had made in not having ANY attacks since i quit the Ambien CR i thought all of that was behind me, but apparently it's not.

Today, I'm not feeling very well. I'm shaky and i feel as though i can have an attack at any time. My heart rate is definitely more elevated than normal, and it's heavier. Yesterday's romp in the city really didn't do me much good even though i did enjoy myself in between episodes.

So i think next year i will sit out our yearly romp in the city and just let his family enjoy it without my panicked drama. It's very embarrassing.