Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Monday morning i started my daily weekday routine expecting everything to be the same. I arrived at work, put all of my things away, logged into my email account only to be met with something out of the ordinary; an e-mail titled "Grandma" and it wasn't from a spam address either, it was from my Aunt with a time stamp of 4:30am

In it she mentioned my Grandmother was taken to the emergency room. Before i finished reading it i was already on the phone with her getting the scoop. You see my Aunt lives 2 states away and if anything happens i can be the in between until she gets here.

She explained the situation and what happened, and that she was headed up and should be here close to lunch time and will update me as she gets more details.

Shortly after lunch she was finally admitted and had a room. My Aunt explained that her ankle was broken from a fall she took out of bed, and that she isn't urinating and her legs are swollen. She was also sick with some sort of stomach flu for a few days and was very weak, which is what caused the fall in the first place. Personally, i know that her ankle is the least of our problems right now. The fact that she's swollen and not urinating is a huge indicator that something big is going on.

The next day my Aunt contacted me late morning to fill me in on the latest. They were waiting for biopsy results from another Dr. that was unrelated to her fall. Meanwhile, she was just going through tons of tests and that she and my Uncle were headed back home. No sense waiting around the hospital if she's in testing for a few days.

I spoke to my Grandmother on the phone and she sounded very weak, which is understandable, but she had her bearings so i wasn't too concerned yet.

Well, this morning was a whole new day. My Aunt called me first thing this morning. My Grandmother took a turn for the worst over night and is in and out of consciousness. She's running a fever and they don't know why because not all of the tests are back yet. She was heading back up Thursday.

OK so now I'm expecting things to be a bit unsettled, my emotions were calm. Let's face it the woman is almost 90 yrs old, she's not going to live forever, as much as we all would hope she would.

Late morning brought even more bad news. My Aunt called me to let me know that the results from the biopsy were in. My Grandmother has Cancer. She doesn't remember what kind because it was something she never heard of. We do know it's somewhere down by the reproductive area/lower abdomen etc.

OK so now the game has changed drastically. They cannot treat her for the cancer because she has an infection. Any chemo or radiation now will kill all chances of survival if her immune system weakens with an infection on board. They can't operate because of her age because she will never survive this type of operation.

My Aunt had asked that my Grandmother not be told about the cancer until she gets there tomorrow. My cousin is flying in from CA and would like to be there when they break this news to her. Which is fine because it will also give them time to do an MRI of the area to see how bad it is. My Grandmother is now saying she has tremendous pain in her lower spine, kidney and lower abdomen, her bladder isn't functioning properly either, which in my "opinion" is most likely related to the cancer.

I decided not to go to the hospital tonight because i couldn't face her knowing what i know without giving up a clue that something bigger that is going on. I opted to call her instead. She sounded tired and uncomfortable, which is expected, but i tried to make her laugh and tell her funny things. Like when she mentioned she couldn't poop. lol i said "well you were sick with a stomach bug and are now on IV food! of course you can't! cause there is nothing to poop out!" she laughed and said that i made a good point. Which made her feel better I'm sure, even if for a moment.

She kept complaining about her pain, and that she hoped this was the end because she wanted me, my brother and my cousin to get an inheritance. I tried over and over to tell her that the most important thing was her health and that the inheritance is not ours to have right now and to use all of it to get better. She argued, like always, and said that's what she wants and not to be "here" anymore.

So for about 15 minutes more i had to try and change her way of speaking, all the while not blowing up into a big ball of tears.

I KNOW she's going to die soon. It's a matter of time now. That hardest part is being "happy" on the phone with her. She has NO CLUE she has cancer.. NO CLUE! and i can't say anything. This was my test of strength, and i passed. Until i hung up the phone.

Hysterically crying I called Kyle immediately. The hardest part for me is dealing with the fact that i know she's terminal and she doesn't. She's talking to me like everything is like the last time: she'll get better and go back to her old people community. Not this time Grandma.

Kyle is my rock right now. He knows how to calm me and make me laugh and help me forget what's going on even if for a few moments. I truly do love him and i can't wait to be his wife.

Thank you my love for your support.

Thankfully, tomorrow she will be made aware of her situation in it's entirety. So when i visit with her i can cry and be happy and just talk with her honestly instead of blowing smoke up her ass.

Talk about a rock and a hard place!