Living up to my title!

OK! It's a Crazy Place and I'm here to live up to my name. I have a lot of different topics tonight that are wrestling around in my bean for the honor of making it to POST status.. It's almost like having 2 kids that fight constantly, and before you know it you scold and punish both of them and send them BOTH to their rooms even though you know one of them just didn't deserve it.. Well, that is kind of like what I'm having a conflict with so I'm just going to ramble on until I'm done! lol
First, i woke up in a combative mood.. Never a good thing for anyone. I was cranky but pretty tolerable during the day. I apologized to my co-worker in advance that i woke up combative.. (oops.. just realized.. forgot to give one of my PAIN IN THE ASS customers her tracking #.. oh well! she'll have the package before i get back to her anyway. OOPS!!! totally got side-tracked and didn't send out the Daily Sales Registers! OMG! you people can run your own report.. (see notes from dept meeting.. my boss said effective 10/13 i am no longer responsible.. those asking can see him-i love this guy! but i still feel guilty because a memo never went out to the reps.. this procedure kind of just HAPPENED to stop-oh well) OK where was i? Oh yeah... So i get through my day and decide to go to the park for a walk before Yoga class (because my lunch-time work-out with the company trainer wasn't enough to kill my sour mood). I actually walked for 5 minutes than ran my ass off in hopes it would get out the rest of the anger.. For the most part it worked.. i mean i RAN for nearly a mile non-stop.. i was so physically exhausted i didn't have the energy to be angry anymore! After my run I head to CVS for some lotion, but ended up buying another travel mug and a small box of cheez-its.. why? i have no idea. i get to class and wow was it a KICK-ASS CLASS!!!
The first (almost) 20 minutes she taught us breathing exercises (last week was the Buddha Breath). This week, if i remember correctly, it was the continuous breath(<-Correction 10/21/08 it's the "complete breath"). I was very relaxed by the end of that lesson. Then we did stretching and poses then went into Savasana. It was here that i finally think i, for the first time EVER in my life, was neutral. The best way to describe this is i had NO THOUGHTS, NO PICTURES IN MY MIND, NO DIALOGUE OF ANY SORT, NO TENSION, NO EMOTION, I was not sleeping, yet i was not awake, i heard her speaking, yet i didn't. I was in a trance-like state i guess you could say. I was amazed to say the least, and very appreciative..
Towards the end of Savasana my instructor read a poem (Update 10/21/08: Called Celebrate the Journey), she mentioned the name of the book but i cannot remember. It had the word YOGA and POEMS in it. In any event, the poem was perfect, and peaceful, and it made sense! I do remember that while she was reading it a picture popped into my mind's eye of myself and my SO getting married and (at first) I was reading this poem to him, then it quickly changed to my God Mother reading this to the ceremony go-ers. lol i am going to Google this and see what i can come up with because i think this is a sign of some sort. lol (I found nothing, i'll just have to ask next week lol) (Update 10/21/08: IT's called ONE SOUL:More Poems From the Heart of Yoga by Donna Faulds-and it's on order!)

Another thought is of a blog that i have been following by a woman that is married to a police officer and her journey as a CopsWife. It has afforded me the opportunity to reflect back on when i first met my SO, we'll give him a name.. his name is Kyle, and i will refer to him as such for the rest of my days as a blogger lol.. ( i was just trying to protect the innocent). When i met Kyle it was a freak thing called Yahoo Personals. lol yeah I'm an Internet dater.. had better luck there so i stuck to it.. I was fresh out of a relationship by about a month when Kyle hit me up to chat. I wasn't "looking" to date anyone, let alone date someone an hour away from me.. I was just looking for some companionship on-line to kill my boredom while i healed from the break-up. I was IM'ing with a few gentlemen during that month's time. I also picked up a stalker or two, oh and one VERY angry guy! I swear.. true colors don't show through until someone gets rejected! Thankfully i found out b4 anything ever went farther than the IM box! whew!
Kyle and i chatted for some time before i actually had the guts to call him and speak to him on the phone. I guess you can say i was scared because by this time i got burned by a lot of guys, went through a divorce, and just had bad luck with cops in the dating arena. I was in therapy to heal from the years of being mistreated and also being verbally abused by my alcoholic ex-husband, and my therapist didn't think it was wise to get involved with someone new until i got rid of the old.. I agreed with him on that point as I, myself, didn't feel READY to date again. I just didn't think i had it in me anymore to love someone or trust someone with this valuable package called Me! However, after almost a month of IM'ing and e-mailing i wrote his # down and i bit the bullet (no pun) and called him. A higher power made me do it.. i was nervous.. It wasn't that high-school-girl nervous.. it was a dark fear of what i wasn't ready to deal with again.. A possible relationship with a COP (because by now i know he's a cop).
You see, the guy b4 him was a sheriff's officer, and although we had a decent relationship he was the A-typical cop.. cheater, partier, anti-relationship, anti-marriage, frat-boy. Though older than myself by a few years he just didn't grow up, and he met someone while we were together-SHOCKER! but didn't have the balls to tell me in person.. he TEXT MESSAGED me on a Friday afternoon while i was at work. I mean COME ON! have more balls officer! but i digress.
I have, at this point, a really bad taste in my mouth as far as police and relationships go. I have TONS of friends that are police. and from women to men they all suck in relationships.. why? they love to party and with that partying comes infidelity. I only personally know a few that are decent human beings in that regard. Now don't get me wrong or misconstrue what I'm saying.. I love all the police i know.. they are AWESOME individuals in their own right, but they fit the stereo-type and i can't be involved with that in a relationship anymore.
That was my mind-set when i met Kyle. Funny, because when he was telling me what he did for a living HE IMMEDIATELY jumped on the defensive about the Stereo-Type Cops have..
I reassured him that i try to trust not all Cops are like that, as i (at the time) was aspiring to be a cop and I'm far from a cheater, never have never will! when i was separated i felt guilty even having a drink with a male friend b/c i felt THAT was cheating! SO i had no choice but to give Kyle the benefit of the doubt.
I'm glad i did! I remember telling my Father during a phone conversation the day before i was to go on my first date with Kyle: "Dad, if he has a missing arm i won't care, he's great!". This is all from phone conversations and e-mail conversations i based this on.. In-other-words.. for once in my life i wasn't going for the meat-head, power trip, BAD BOY. I was going for a REAL GUY.. A guy that isn't afraid to share his emotions whether it's anger to tears (still haven't seen those though) and everything in between.
In the first few months Kyle and I were dating i learned a lot about him. I learned a lot about what he is capable of in a relationship, what his strengths and weaknesses are, what his family is like (LOVE THEM ALL!), what drives him, and what turns him off. I fell in love with him after just a few short months.. I saw what a hard worker he was, and how much dedication he put into his EMS/EMT career, his LEO career, his Coast Guard career, The honor guard, The riot squad.. He's not a Whacker, he just loves what he does.. I love what he does too, and yes, I'm jealous as hell, i will always admit that.
Kyle is an amazing guy.. partly because he tolerated me and never got angry or upset or anything like that.. What am i talking about? oh yeah, there will be people i DON'T know reading this blog lol.. I "had" at the time, panic and anxiety disorder (story for another time), Kyle never batted an eye. When i was having an attack he was right there holding my hand, trying to distract me to get me to calm down.. He was my light when it was very dark.. and he never left my side EVER. For someone to put up with that for as long as he did is commendable in and of itself. I attributed that to his police and EMT training.. he just naturally knew how to deal with those types of situations. Thankfully those days are behind us, and the root-cause of that has been found and eliminated, but Kyle is still here and i hope he will be forever.
OK, that's all i got for now.
I hope you enjoyed my transition from Wildebeest to dove and the beginning of my relationship with Kyle.