Dreams and Aspirations Unfulfilled

Growing up i wanted to be many things. First a cop, modeled after one of my favorite TV shows CHiPs. My childhood friends and i used to role play that with our big wheels when we were young.. lol just thinking back on that i laugh hysterically. The many times i made Chris be the bad guy so i could chase after him and then tackle him to the ground lol. The little tough girl i wasn't!
It's funny looking back now.. Chris and his older brother are both police officers, another friend of the group is a state trooper, another a lawyer, and my g/f a police officer as well. I was the only one left behind. Left to live the civilian life desperately trying time and time again to fill those shoes and to close the circle of childhood friends of law enforcement.

I tested, went through background checks, fingerprints, interviews with the top brass and mayor and council. Was highly liked by the Chief of the one department i interviewed with. He like my personality so much he pushed me into an interview with the mayor even though my # was farther down than what the mayor was willing to interview. The interview went as good as anyone could hope. 2 days later the chief called me personally to tell me i didn't make it, and that he regretted the mayor's decision and tried to persuade him otherwise. I thanked him for his effort and time.
It was a punch and kick in the gut. With everything i was going through in my life, that was the last thing i needed.. It was my dream. Something i physically and mentally prepared for.. the academy.. a new life.. the life i always wanted to live.. My independence.

Though i was kicked hard i never went down.. I kept my head up, continued to work out and study and test.. Even though by test #3 i was just beat down emotionally and i didn't really want the job anymore.. I am getting older and quite honestly.. i just can't take the stress anymore. I let test #4 pass without my presence in any of the testing centers. I officially called the battle over.
In my state 35 yrs of age is the cap. Meaning, i would have to be sworn in by then. By the time the results came out, letters sent out, background checks and psych tests done it would be passed my 35th b-day. I knew when to fold my cards and i did so as graciously as i could.

It's hard dating a cop, when your dream of once becoming one is now a chapter in your life that has been read and put on the shelf. You see what he does, the training, the family, the bond, and yes the danger, and it stings quite a bit. I never really talk about that with anyone. Not even Kyle.. He would never understand, none of my friends that are LEO can or would.. So if i do feel the need to talk about it it's with those that have joined me in test-prep, testing centers and interviews and where skimmed over by the rule of 3. Those are truly the only ones that can understand.

In the middle of childhood and early adulthood and my aspiration to be a cop i wanted to be in the Armed Forces. An Army recruiter came to my high school in my senior year, and it was my ticket to a free education and to serve my country.
I filled out all the necessary paperwork and when i was told to call the recruiter office i did hastily. Another gentleman answered the line and did a pre-interview on the phone. He asked my weight and height then told me i was too "under weight" for my age and height and that the Army would not take me. Under weight? since when is that a bad thing? by the Dr's standards yes i was, but i was very healthy. i worked out every day i ate great, i was very healthy. I begged the guy to let me come in but he wasn't having it.. he told me to gain 15 lbs.. yeah, no way.. I could barely keep the weight on let alone gain! and i ate like a horse! Never-the-less it was a dream unfulfilled, a punch in the gut. With that slap in the face i said to myself "If the Army won't take you no police dept will, so look for another line of work". This, of course, was before the laws of discrimination.

Prior to the armed forces and ever dreaming of REALLY becoming a cop i always wanted to be an interior designer. It's something that i guess i always found very interesting, and it kept my creative, artistic mind moving. When i graduated high school i wanted to go to interior design school. Unfortunately, back in those days, the only school available was in Philadelphia. I didn't have the money to pay for school, live there, or commute. So it also ended up being a dream unfulfilled. As was college.

I settled into customer service related jobs through the crappy economy of the 90's. I was laid off 3 years in a row on Good Friday by 3 separate employers. So i decided to stay out of work for a while and go to college.. That lasted all of 1/2 a semester. I went on the state's dime, and i had to move to NY temporarily in an emergency situation (long story, but it was life or death). Because i moved out of state i had to forfeit the funds to school. I was doing great too. i was majoring in liberal arts to seek a Psychology major. I loved it.. classes were awesome and all of my professors rocked! i cried when i was in with my the student counselor, because i felt defeated, but at the same time i couldn't lie to the state and give a fake address just to continue to go to school. So i again accepted defeat and saw another dream unfulfilled. (Though i can always go back to this one, thankfully)

My next two aspirations were either to be married, be a wife, have some sort of purpose. Or join the Air Force and become an AP, getting me closer to the LE career attempt that had yet to unfold. I found a recruiter and started all the paperwork, i was set to see the doc for my physcial and take my ASFAB test but during that time I managed to find a guy to fill the role of husband. This all happened 8 years ago. We met at a Super Bowl party, and we hit it off immediately. We were engaged 2 weeks later (there goes the AF career), married 2 years later in Vegas. Bad move, and it showed my naivete at that very young age. He was an alcoholic.. and a violent one at that. Though he drank everyday i never really noticed how bad he really was until we were married. Because once that ring went on my finger he deemed me his property. It wasn't him holding back anymore. I was verbally attacked the night of my vows in the middle of the Venetian with the entire casino floor in silence all because i wanted to leave my dealer a $5 tip out of my $500 winnings. He flipped a switch that night, and the moment before his mouth opened was the last moment i wanted to be near him for the next 15 months i was living under the same roof with him. Not only did i have to deal with his verbal and mental abuse, i had to deal with his constant infidelity. He even made-out with a broad he didn't know right in front of me on one of his drunken stoopers at a convention we were at. I was married for 6 months.. i was devastated. I didn't talk to him for 30 days and sadly, when i finally told him why i wasn't talking to him he had no idea what he did, he was that drunk. The wife of a good friend of his told me the next day, and this saying will and has stuck with me since then, "Fool me once shame on you; Fool me twice shame on me". Needless to say i never let the "fool me twice" happen (with my knowledge) and I left in the arms of 2 police officers and my brother's Mustang back home to Mom. 2 more defeats.. a failed marriage, and a failed attempt at a life of independence.

When life beats you down on the big things it makes you feel defeated, but we pick ourselves up and move to the next dream we hope will come true. Right now, the only dream i have is to finish decorating Kyle's house. Sadly, it's the only dream i can attain as i am 1/3 of the way completed already ( I will post the progress on that in the days to come). I do have others, but i don't think that they will happen as those decisions are out of my control and how can one dream when someone else is in complete control? You can't, because if you do you are just setting yourself up for another dream unfulfilled.