Space for thought

Reading others' blogs can be a very interesting way to find topics to blog about. I'm loving married2thelaw's blog, as it makes me think about daily things in my life with my SO Kyle that normally i wouldn't really tip a hat to.

One topic in particular is his work schedule and my sleeping habits. lol. I have to laugh because when i read her blog i was cracking up. Reading it has also brought up the thought of my co-worker that is married to a FF, hahhahhahaha! When i started working at my company She would always tell me stories of how her DH was working and how she couldn't wait to have clicker privileges and sprawl across the bed. I would think to myself - huh? i would always want my SO to be with me at night..

Well somewhere between 5 years ago and today that has all changed!!! Don't get me wrong i love when Kyle is home from work and i can sleep with him at night and wake with him in the morning, but something has to be said for having it all to myself! I'm not into cuddling too much in bed because I'm quote "like the sun" ( i get very hot very quickly), and unfortunately because of the idiot box the only time we talk or laugh in bed is when we vacation in W.VA. where the TV is non existent.

I have been separated and divorced for over 5 years, so i have become accustomed to sleeping alone and being independent in regards to eating alone, doing things alone like shopping (which i prefer to do 99% of the time), and not having someone under my feet to get in my way when cleaning or painting etc.. I will not deny that being alone most of the time bothers me as i do get lonely. Kyle and I do not live together, yet (post for another time), so during the work-week I'm home in my world an hour away from him doing my thing: Dr's appts., yoga classes, golf lessons, updating the blog, banking etc.. It gets me by, and i get lonely and long to talk to him at night. But mostly he's working and those calls are usually cut short because of some idiot speeding or some bogus call coming over because people can't behave, and in the Land of Make Believe the villagers are always misbehaving..

Before i started spending every weekend up at his place it never really affected me on the weekends, because the only weekends i saw him was when he was off-duty (every other weekend) so on those weekends i was in my world doing my stuff, and yes, i missed him but not like i did when he wasn't around on the weekends he worked and i was at his place alone.

At first it was a very uneasy feeling. The house was quiet, i was nervous to do things like put his laundry away because i didn't want him to think i was going through his stuff. Which i would never do btw, i just felt weird, at the same time i was bored so i did his laundry and mine and would fold his clothes and put them away. I got over that weird feeling very quickly needless to say because it kept me busy and made me feel that i accomplished something in my time at his house. I very very rarely slept in the bed alone. I would camp out on the couch in the living room with the TV and scanner on all night long. Listening to him work while watching my shows in the AM hours was comforting and for the most part put me to sleep until he would come home. He would make himself breakfast and relax until he was tired enough to go to sleep and that's when i usually would go shopping and stuff to kill the time and stay out of the house to prevent waking him up. When the summer months came i would lay out on the deck. Make him breakfast when he awoke and sometimes dinner when he was not the early car. When he would go to work i would bust out the paint cans and get started painting, he'd come home to a new look to whatever room i was working on and he liked it i guess.. at least he told me he did.. mostly because he didn't have to do the work I'm guessing lol.



Somewhere between then and now i have taken a liking to not having him in bed on the weekends he's working and I look forward to it! I SPRAWL out all over the bed. I sleep with HIS pillows for his scent to keep me cozy, I have full reign of the clicker, and i don't cover the windows with black-out sheets and can wake up with the sun. I have become so used to sleeping alone that on the weekends he is home and i have to work the next morning i can't sleep with him in the bed. If he moves I'm awake and i can't fall back to sleep. So lately, he's been sleeping on the couch. I don't ask him to, he does it because he wants me to sleep. I love him for it, but i do miss him. I think we might have to get two twin beds and push them together lol, kind of like my grandparents did!

I love Kyle to death, more times than not he's sacrificed his comfort for mine and i didn't even have to ask. I don't like it sometimes, and i guess i need to learn to vocalize my need to have him there with me when he's home from work.


It makes me forward think about when we cohabitate. He will essentially not be there more than he isn't now. I'm currently not affected by his EMS schedule which keeps him out of the house for 13 hours and does not sleep at home, so that is 2-4 extra nights per month that he will not be with me. Now, I'm in the comfort of my own town, my friends are all there and family is close by. Up north I'll essentially be alone, though that sounds great sometimes, more times than not it's lonely.

In closing, it is who he is and he was this person long before i came around. If i want him full-time i guess i have to suck it up so to speak. He has compromised and sacrificed a lot in our relationship (not that i haven't) it's the least i can do. Hopefully some day, Kyle and I will meet somewhere in the middle, but until then I HAVE THE BED ALL TO MYSELF!